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GENERAL HUMOR:
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING,
PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another
NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another
TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE
IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
********
A little tomato who knows her onions can go out with an
old potato and come home with a lot of lettuce and a couple
of carats.
********
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.
Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our Tulips meet.
Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine.
********
I didn't have potatoes, so I substituted rice.
I didn't have paprika, so I used another spice.
I didn't have tomato sauce, I used tomato paste;
A whole can, not a half can - I don't believe in waste.
A friend gave me the recipe; she said you couldn't beat
it.
There must be something wrong with her, I couldn't even
eat it!
********
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the
need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
********
The sweaty cook asked a man eating the dinner special:
Do you feel all right? Do see two fingers? Yes? Great!
OK, Mildred you can serve the stew, the mushrooms aren't
poisonous!
********
What is small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
********
SOUP
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl
of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a
circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.
He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet
down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't
you?"
"Yes," the customer replied "but maybe it
has a leek in it!"
ARTICHOKE:
Daniel the gangster wants to rub out a client
that's not paying his gambling bills. Times are hard so
he only has $1.00 to pay his hit man, Artimus to do the
job. The hit man goes to do the job but forgets his gun
and has to strangle the client. Next, two of the clients
friends come in and he has to take them out also. What do
you think the headlines are the next day in the paper?
Answer: Arti-chokes three for a dollar.
ASPARAGUS:
The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion,
time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could
not be any worse that what was being done at that time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time,
one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not
so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon).
They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically
lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another,
and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just
pass away. They believed that: Peas would rule the planets,
and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the
age of asparagus.
BEANS:
What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?
String beans.
CABBAGE:
Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage.
He sent out a decree that from then on, whenever anyone
ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise
and bits of carrots. This is known as Cole's Law...
CARROT:
Two carrots were walking down the road when
a huge transfer truck slammed into one of them.
An ambulance rushed the little fellow off to the hospital
where he immediately went into surgery.
Finally the doctor emerged and approached the carrot who
had been anxiously awaiting news.
"Tell me Doc, how is he?"
The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some
bad news.
The good news is he's going to live.
The bad news is we're pretty sure he's going to be a
vegetable for the rest of his life.
CORN:
Why is it not wise to tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Do you know who the father of all bad jokes is?
Pop Corn!!!
CUCUMBER:
When is a cucumber like a strawberry?
When one is in a pickle and the other is in a jam.
GARLIC:
Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your
friends think you look thinner.
LETTUCE:
What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
**********
Knock, Knock
Who's there? Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you'll find out.
**********
What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me.
**********
What do you say to rotten lettuce?
You should have your head examined.
LEEKS:
What vegetable did Noah leave off the Ark?
Leeks.
MELON:
Boy Melon: Honey, can we run away and get married?
Girl Melon: Sorry, I cantaloupe.
**********
Where do watermelons go for holidays?
John Cougars' Melon Camp
**********
An old farmer was once asked what the difference was between
a watermelon and a sweet pea. He thought about it for a
moment and replied: "Well, I think about 20 minutes."
**********
A girl visited a farm one day and wanted to buy a large
watermelon.
"That will be three dollars," said the farmer.
"I've only got 30 cents," said the young girl.
The farmer pointed to a very small watermelon in the field
and said, "How about that one?"
"Okay, I'll take it," said the girl, "but
leave it on the vine. I'll be back for it in a month."
**********
Knock, Knock
Who's there? Cantaloupe.
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe tonight; Dad's got the car.
OKRA:
What was green and a great trick shot artist?
Annie Okra
ONION:
Do you want "corny" jokes?
Nah. We want jokes with "a peel".
Sorry, but jokes about onions bring tears to my eyes.
PARSLEY:
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish
his wages?
PEAS:
I eat my peas with honey.
I've et them all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on my knife.
POTATOES:
An old man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help
him, was in jail. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here,
all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up the garden plot, that's
where I buried the bodies!!
Love, Son
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the local police showed up
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left. A few days later the
old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the circumstances.
Love, Son
**********
My mother-in-law grows a great patch of potatoes.
In fact, to get them off to a good start, she plants each
seed potato in a small paper bag........
It keeps the dirt out of their eyes.
**********
Knock, Knock
Who's there? Spectator.
Spectator who?
Do ya' spectators will grow well this year?
**********
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.
**********
A man went into a department store and asked an assistant,
"Do you sell potato clocks?"
"Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied
the assistant.
"Well," came the explanation, "I'm always being late for
work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if
I got a potato clock ...."
(If you think about it long enough, you'll get it; it's
a play on words - if I got up at eight o'clock)
**********
POTATO HAIKU by Kim Hodges (copyright 1995):
Potato Peelings
Winter - outside my window
six potatoes huddle
on the telephone line
twittering softly.
Spring - leaves open
the first potato pops up,
sees its shadow,
and goes back down.
Two more weeks of winter.
Spring - a small potato
has fallen out of its nest.
the large ones circle
hysterically, shrieking.
A potato peaks out
from behind the sofa
time to set traps again
**********
Potato Scraps
The men from McDonald's
race across the field with nets
potatoes scurry in all directions
some hide under lettuce leaves,
hopelessly.
Budget cuts at USDA -
homeless potatoes linger
in doorways and on street corners
occasionally one leaps out
at passersby.
Most are bakers, the police say,
a few pit potatoes have been seen -
those are the dangerous ones.
The thief stopped her.
She rummaged in her purse,
handed him the potato.
Is that all? he demanded.
She reached in again,
gave him the packets
of butter and sour cream.
He left, grumbling,
'No chives again'.
TALE OF TWO POTATOES
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs.
Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married
and had a little one . . . a real Sweet Potato, whom
they called "Yam."
They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about
the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
Half Baked because she could get Mashed, get
a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with
a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry . . . no Mr. McSpud would get
her into the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of
her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as
not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato told her about going off to Europe,
and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland,
and even the greasy guys from France called the French
Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians
when going out West, because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow
and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles
or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise
their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say
Frito Lay.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent
her to "Idaho P.U." . . . that's Potato University, where
the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd
really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry
Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and
said she couldn't marry him because he's just ...
.................a COMMON TATER!!!!
PUMPKIN
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin
by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.
TOMATO
Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date!
How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste!
Why was the tomato blushing?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Shopper: I'm looking for STEWED tomatoes.
Clerk: Try the salad BAR.
VEGETABLE POEMS:
Oh dear I love you.
But if you'll beetroot to me,
I'll beetroot to you.
Courtesy of Marcel Bruins, The Netherlands
To my favorite honeydew, do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you, with your turnip nose, and radish
face.
You are a peach. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
WORST JOKES:
The old perfesser's nephew from Louisiana was getting married.
The girl of his dreams was from Kansas, and being so far
away from home, wanted to add something from her home state
to the wedding. They explained to the old and Mrs. Perfesser
that they'd like the guests to throw wheat instead of rice
after the ceremony.
Thinking for a moment, the old perfesser quips, "Well,
I guess we should all be glad she's not from Idaho!"
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"Uncle Perfesser," said Jimmy Joe, "are
caterpillars good to eat?"
"Jimmy Joe!" stormed the old perfesser. "I
asked you not to ask such questions during meals... bugs
ain't fit dinner talk!"
"Well now, why did you say that, Jimmy Joe?" asked
MrsPerfesser. "Why did you ask that question?"
"It's because I saw one on Uncle Perfesser's lettuce,"
said Jimmy Joe. "But it's OK... it's gone now."
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Mrs. Perfesser had cooked a halfway decent meal one night,
and the old perfesser had been goin' at it with gusto. He
was about halfway finished his meal when he took a good
long look at the potato. He looked over at Mrs. Perfesser
and said, "This potato is bad." Mrs. Perfesser
picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on his plate...
then said, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
you just let me know."
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A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes
quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief
asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond
of undercover crops."
VEGETABLE TRUE STORIES:
I stopped at a fruit stand in Brawley when I spied a large
pile of watermelons for sale cheap.
The sign said "Watermelons - $1 each". I walked
up and selected a medium sized one.
I started to pay and the lady operating the fruit stand
said, "That one will be $3.50".
"Wait a minute", I said, "Your sign says
a dollar each".
"The dollar ones are in that box", she replied,
pointing to some small culls in the corner.
"Those watermelons aren't very big", I responded.
With a wry smile on her face, the lady shot back, "Well,
Mister their a lot bigger than your dollar".
I bought the bigger one for $3.50 and decided not to tell
my wife that I had been had.
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